The 5 Ws and H of Marital Conflict

When I was first asked to speak on “marital conflict” at a marriage retreat at the Lake Yale Baptist Conference Center, I thought, this will be easy. I don’t need 30 minutes, we can knock this out in one minute. I’ll simply tell them that the wife is always right, the husband should always say “yes dear” and give their wife whatever they want. Boom! I’m done!

Well, while David often tells people that the key to a happy marriage is the two simple words “yes, dear” the truth is not quite that simple. He does follow that up with “the secret is learning when to say it and how to say it” but that still doesn’t give the complete picture. If you are married, you WILL have a conflict at least once. Actually, you will probably have a LOT of conflicts. Not all big stuff, there will also be issues like putting the toilet seat down, not leaving drawers/cabinet doors open, etc. Learning how to handle those small conflicts, along with the big ones, according to scripture will make your marriage happier and healthier.

The 5 Ws and H (Who, What, Where, When, Why, and How) are used in investigative reporting to make sure the complete story is presented. I decided to use that format at the marriage retreat. This article is a recap of that presentation.

WHAT?

You guessed it! Marital Conflict.

WHO will have conflict?

This is also an easy one. You, me, EVERYONE!

WHY is there conflict?

If you are both Christians you should just live in perfect harmonious peace all the time, right? Oh, if only that were true! I’m sure you have heard the saying that “opposites attract.” While this originated from science and the fact that there is a pulling force of attraction between magnetic north and south poles, my experience has been that most married couples are also opposite in many ways. David, for instance, is completely an extrovert. When he is around a group of people, whether he knew them before entering the room or not, he is talking to everyone. I, on the other hand, am very introverted. Even when I am in the midst of people I know, I often keep to myself and only speak when spoken to. I don’t mean to be rude, I just have difficulty starting and carrying conversations.

With those differing personality traits comes differing opinions. You and your spouse also most likely came from somewhat of a different background. You may have been raised in a different state, you may have been brought up going to church and your spouse was not, you may have gone to public school and your spouse private school, there’s a multitude of differences in your backgrounds. Those differences have formed your opinions and your idea of what is “right” or “normal.” You may have developed slightly different worldviews based upon that various input from your family and social upbringing. Since both of your opinions are probably “correct” in one form or another, but come from different perspectives, there will be conflict. So rather than trying to avoid all conflict in your marriage, learn how to embrace healthy conflict. Avoiding or denying the inevitable will only increase the conflict and hamper your ability to grow closer together through the experience.

“What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you? Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have; so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain; so you fight and quarrel. You do not have because you do not ask. You ask and do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, so that you may spend it on your pleasures.” – James 4:1-3

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WHEN to deal with conflict?

So, now that we agree there will be conflict, when should it be dealt with? I believe it is important to pick the right time to tackle the issues that come up in your marriage. First of all, don’t walk out on an argument, except by mutual agreement when you simply agree to disagree. Sometimes, particularly if one or both of you are very angry, you will need to take a time-out before confronting an issue. Take the time to cool off so that you can think (and speak) rationally. But don’t just walk out in the heat of the moment. Express to your partner that you need time to collect your thoughts and pray. The Bible tells us that there is “…. a time to be silent and a time to speak.” – Ecclesiastes 3:7b. Chose that time to speak wisely.

Most of you are probably also familiar with this verse:

“Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger, and do not give the devil an opportunity.” – Ephesians 4:26-27

Notice that implies that you can be angry without sinning. We are human, we get angry sometimes. Even Jesus expressed anger when He cleansed the Temple. But this scripture advises us that “when” to deal with conflict is before the sun goes down. Now, you can take that literally and say that all conflict should be resolved before you go to bed at night. I think that is a wonderful idea as the bed should be a place of intimacy and physical connection. It should be a place where you “rest” in the security of each other’s love. Also, as time goes on, as into the next day, if wounds are not healed they will begin to fester. Dealing with conflicts as soon as possible should always be the goal.

I believe you can also interpret that as simply not remaining angry for any length of time. It is okay to be angry, but not to remain angry and “give the devil an opportunity” to turn that anger into sinful thoughts or actions. So, when to deal with conflict is as soon as possible, but take a time out to cool down if your emotions are heightened to a point that the issue cannot be dealt with in a docile, logical manner.

WHERE to deal with conflict?

Yes, there is also a where to deal with conflict. Pick the right place to have these important discussions, and that place should include privacy. Never argue in front of your children. Your children need to see their parents as a united front. Many times, issues dealing with raising your children may be at the heart of your disagreements. If your children know that you disagree on an issue, they will use that (even if subconsciously) against you which will cause even further marital division. Your children need the security of seeing their parents acting harmoniously.

Also, as tempting as it may be, don’t talk about your spousal disagreements with others. Your friends, family, and co-workers don’t need to know your private marital affairs. It may be particularly tempting if they are sharing with you a similar situation and it would be so easy to speak up and say “hey, my spouse does that too!” Sharing these details will not help the situation and will only serve to embarrass your loved one. These verses are good ones to follow in these situations:

“He who restrains his words has knowledge, and he who has a cool spirit is a man of understanding.” – Proverbs 17:27
“He who guards his mouth and his tongue, guards his soul from troubles.” – Proverbs 21:23

Now, if a conflict has escalated to a point that you cannot resolve it yourselves, seeking GODLY CHRISTIAN counsel is by all means advised. Your pastor or certified Christian counselor can be good sources to help you mend broken fences that you have not been able to repair yourself.

HOW to deal with conflict?

Ok, we’ve acknowledged that there will be conflict and when and where to deal with it, now just how do you deal with it? The goal of resolving conflict should always be to grow closer together, not to win an argument. If you don’t both “win” in the end, then you both lose! There is a marked difference between conflict resolution and arguing. Arguing is just stating your case (often loudly) without listening to the other side. Conflict resolution is talking through the issue to a mutually beneficial conclusion. You’ve probably heard the old saying “You have two ears and one mouth, listen twice as much as you speak.” As the Bible tells us “… be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.” – James 1:19.

Here are a few more relevant verses along those lines:

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger. The tongue of the wise makes knowledge acceptable, but the mouth of fools spouts folly.” – Proverbs 15:1-2
“Cease from anger and forsake wrath; Do not fret; it leads only to evildoing.” – Psalm 37:8
“Let no unwholesome word proceed from your mouth, but only such a word as is good for edification according to the need of the moment, so that it will give grace to those who hear. Do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, by whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” – Ephesians 4:29-32

Some practical options on how to deal with conflict might be brainstorming together for possible solutions, making a list of pros vs. cons and/or creating a likelihood/consequences chart based on the situation. Regardless of how you approach the resolution, never bring up your spouse’s past mistakes, learn to compromise, and end every discussion with apologies (hold hands and look each other in the eyes), prayer and a hug.

Prayer is such a BIG part of conflict resolution. Praying together as a couple, and praying individually for your spouse. “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.” – Philippians 4:6-7. Conflict resolution is a three-person process – you, your spouse, and God. I’m not sure where the quote comes from but I love the saying, “win your battles on your knees.”

As you and your spouse grow closer to God, you will grow closer to each other. Here’s a great way to visualize this (which, by the way, is not my original concept):

Eliminate the word “divorce” from your vocabulary. It should NEVER be a part of your discussions, it should not be considered as an option. You have entered into a marriage covenant before and with God (it’s also a three-person relationship). Now, I am not advocating if you are being physically abused or threatened that God wants you to remain in an unsafe location. That topic is way too big to get into now. Putting that aside, more than likely you vowed on your wedding day something along the lines of “until death do us part.” I highly doubt it was “until we have irreconcilable differences” or even “until you don’t love me anymore” or “I don’t love you anymore.” Think about that commitment that you made and stand by it!

Conclusion

Marital conflicts will occur but with prayer and a willingness to commit to resolving the conflict and not just arguing, a peaceful resolution can be obtained. If after exhaustive attempts to solve a conflict and there is no end in sight, seek the help of a trained Christian counselor or pastor who can intercede and assist with the reconciliation. “The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man is he who listens to counsel.” – Proverbs 12:15

I think this verse is worth repeating: “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.” – Ephesians 4:32. You will BOTH make mistakes in your marriage. Always be willing to forgive each other and move forward. How thankful I am that God forgives me!

There are many more verses on this topic. I encourage you to take the time to read the Bible and see how God speaks to your heart. I’ll leave you with these last two:

“He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord.” – Proverbs 18:22
“Marriage is to be held in honor among all, and the marriage bed is to be undefiled; for fornicators and adulterers God will judge.” – Hebrews 13:4

Free PowerPoint Download

The PowerPoint presentation that Jonsie used when she presented this material at the marriage retreat can be viewed and/or downloaded from our Resources Page.

Other Material Presented at this Event

At the retreat, Jonsie also spoke on the topic of God is Not Who You Think He Is and one of the subjects David presented was The Jewish Wedding and Redemption.

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