I recently had the privilege of speaking at two sessions to over 100 Brevard County teachers at their annual professional development conference before the school year begins. I had 45 minutes at each session to speak on the importance of building relationships with students and how building bridges of communication helps them teach more successfully. Below are the six critical points I shared which can be applied to all relationships, not just teachers with their students.

1. Remember who you’re dealing with

Numerous psychological and physiological studies reveal that teenagers are creatures in transition. Their brains are still in the developmental stages and their hormones are usually raging and unstable. Teachers must remember this fact and develop the art of “framing” when dealing with their students. Just like a frame enhances a plain picture, framing is the ability to see past a person’s challenging character, the picture they portray of themselves, and look past their flaws. It is the art of seeing what they “could” be and not what they are at the moment.

One saying that has helped me in this area and one I learned years ago that I’ve never forgotten is, “hurting people hurt people.” Anytime a person says something hurtful towards you try to remember this because it is usually a sign that they, themselves, are hurting on the inside. It is a reminder to be professional and to respond in kind like Christians should through the power of the Holy Spirit.

2. Take time to build relationships

Just like any other relationships you have established, building a student’s trust in you only occurs when you have invested a good deal of time in them. They must see that you care, and that you are genuine before they release any stigma that prevents them from allowing you to influence them.

This is usually the hardest thing to do since it involves time. Most teachers will tell you that time is their most precious commodity. However, teachers must constantly be deliberate in putting down what they perceive as important and invest some time in students. Some ideas I suggested were to spend time with a student during their lunch, meet a student after school or even make an effort to watch a student during their sporting event. All of these ideas increase a student’s self-esteem and make them feel important and loved.

3. Show honest and sincere interest

This is a characteristic I learned from reading Dale Carnegie’s How to Win Friends and Influence People*. In their quest to discover who they are, students thrive on attention, especially from influential adults like teachers. Showing interest in them makes them feel important, increases their self-worth and motivates them to want to learn, making teaching more effective.

The ideas I shared with the teachers seem simple, but we often have to be reminded to do them. I challenged teachers to learn their student’s names as quickly as possible and to always call them by their first name as often as they could. I also challenged the teachers to be more inquisitive with students, to show interest in them by asking questions and to simply get to know them and what they want to be when they grow up. These simple gestures, like the others I’ve mentioned, makes them feel important and opens the doors to better learning.

4. Be nice and encouraging

I know this sounds simple, but we all have to work on this in our lives because it takes effort for most of us, especially those in the teaching profession. I shared with the teachers my personal challenge in this area in that I have to cognizantly remind myself to be encouraging.

My audience at the conference was made up mostly of women. I would say that about 20% of them were men. I asked the men only if they knew how much a manicure cost. One man, out of all the men present, was brave enough to raise his hand. He said about $40 and was on target! I asked the other men why they didn’t know and they said they didn’t ever inquire. Wow! I asked them if they have ever experienced the expression on a young teenage girl’s face after you’ve complimented them on their nails? It’s priceless!

I challenged the teachers to make it a point to compliment one child a day. Whether it’s a high score on an exam, a new hair style or cut, or just simply their attitude, it’s important to encourage others.

5. Master the art of communicating

God graciously gave us two ears and one mouth. In that simple act He was trying to tell us that we should all listen twice as much as we speak. Carnegie* adds to that by suggesting we all listen with the intent to understand and not the intent to reply. In other words, don’t be so quick to respond with a comment all about you. Show interest, concern or even empathy by listening intently.

I also spoke about trying not to argue with students in front of others. Learn the “yes, dear” method of ending an argument. In other words, learn to agree to disagree instead of demeaning someone just because they don’t happen to agree with you. This kind of goes hand-in-hand with point #1 in that we have to remember who we’re dealing with. Often a student has deduced an idea or thought without having all the evidence from which to deduce from.

6. Be the professional

Finally, but not least in importance, I encouraged teachers to be the professional. The teaching profession is perhaps the hardest to be professional simply due to the immaturity of the clientele they deal with daily. The daily bombardment of irrational emotions, out-of-control feelings and hormonal drama are often too hard and too much to handle. However, the teacher must keep their composure and constantly remind themselves who they are and why they get up every morning to be where they are.

I reminded them that they need to reflect on the startling fact that they have the ability to influence 150 students every day for the betterment of society. That is an awesome responsibility, one which they should never take too lightly.

In summary, these six points of building relationships can be utilized in all of our lives in dealing with people. Whether it is our family, our relatives or others we come in contact with, we never know who is watching. And remember, you may be the only Jesus someone ever experiences in their lives, so be constantly reminded by the Holy Spirit who it you represent.

*How to Win Friends and Influence People
By Dale Carnegie / Simon & Schuster